EXT. KANSAS - DAY
DOROTHY chases her dog, TOTO, through the plain.
DOROTHY
Toto! Toto!
DOROTHY
Oh you musn't run off like that, Toto.
MRS. GULCH
That dog should be put to sleep!
Dorothy looks up to see MRS. GULCH, sitting on her bicycle on the other side of the fence.
Toto growls at her.
DOROTHY
Don't listen to mean ol'
Mrs. Gulch, Toto.
MRS. GULCH
Keep your goddamn dog away from me.
She rides away on her bike, DINGLING the bell as she goes.
DOROTHY
Someday, Toto, we can get away
from all of this. From mean
ol' Mrs. Gulch and Kansas.
She sings "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW."
AUNTIE EM
Dorothy! Dorothy!
Dorothy looks up to see AUNTIE EM approach.
AUNTIE EM
Oh you musn't run off like that, Dorothy.
Dorothy bursts into tears, grabs Toto and runs away.
EXT. FAIRGROUND - LATER
The WIZARD sits outside his trailer. Dorothy comes up.
WIZARD
Where you running from, little lady?
DOROTHY
Oh isn't life just absolutely horrible?
WIZARD
Sometimes, little lady, you just
have to appreciate what you have,
little lady.
DOROTHY
All I have is Toto, my only friend--
She looks up to see Mrs. Gulch stuffing Toto into her bicycle basket.
DOROTHY
GODDAMMIT MRS. GULCH,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Mrs. Gulch cackles, takes off.
EXT. KANSAS - DAY
Mrs. Gulch rides along the road, approaching a building. A sign on the building reads "DOG KILLING HOUSE."
The wind whips up around her.
Toto pokes his head out of the basket, reads the sign on the building, gasps, and jumps out of the basket. He takes off down the road back toward Dorothy.
EXT. KANSAS - DAY
Dorothy runs down the road, the wind whipping her hair around her face.
DOROTHY
Toto! Toto!
She hears BARKING. She spots Toto amid the dust storm. She runs toward him, scoops him up.
DOROTHY
Oh you musn't run off like that, Toto.
She looks up to see a TORNADO approaching them. She turns and runs back toward her house.
DOROTHY
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkkk....
EXT. DOROTHY'S HOUSE - DAY
Dorothy bangs on the cellar door.
DOROTHY
Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
It's Dorothy!
Auntie Em's voice comes up from the cellar.
AUNTIE EM
It's too late, Dorothy!
You've made your choice!
Dorothy bursts into tears and runs up to the front door of the house. She throws open the door--
INT. DOROTHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
--And runs inside the house. She huddles in the corner.
The Tornado starts to rock the foundations of the house. A bookshelf flies off the wall toward Dorothy. Dorothy karate-chops it just in time, splitting it in two. She breathes a sigh of relief. But--
A lamp flies out of nowhere and SMACKS her in the head. She feels the back of her head -- it's covered in blood.
She crawls to the window, looks out just in time to see the house detach from the ground.
In the cellar, she can see Auntie Em and UNCLE LARRY hiding with a bunch of FARMHANDS. Dorothy flips them off. The house flies farther into the air and her family disappears.
Mrs. Gulch rides by on her bicycle.
MRS. GULCH
Fuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk....
She turns into a WITCH and flies away.
Dorothy passes out from blood loss.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. DOROTHY'S HOUSE - LATER
Dorothy wakes to Toto licking her face. She shoves him off of her, then sits up.
She slowly approaches the front door. PULL BACK through the door to reveal...
EXT. MUNCHKINLAND - CONTINUOUS
Dorothy steps out onto the porch.
DOROTHY
I don't think we're in
Kansas anymore, Toto.
Toto BARKS in agreement.
Dorothy and Toto wander off the porch into a lush, colorful town. A SMALL HEAD ducks below a bush.
DOROTHY
Wtf was that.
All around the town, MUNCHKINS pop up out of bushes, from behind houses, everywhere.
MUNCHKIN KING
You killed her!
DOROTHY
Wtf is that.
MUNCHKIN KING
Hail to the murder queen!
The Munchkins sing "DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD."
DOROTHY
But I didn't kill anybody.
MUNCHKIN KING
Sure you did, sweetie.
The Munchkin King points to Dorothy's house. From underneath the house poke out a pair of feet, adorned in ruby slippers.
MUNCHKIN KING
All of her belongings are yours now!
DOROTHY
Is that how murder works?
MUNCHKIN KING
That is how it works here, yes.
DOROTHY
Sweet.
She takes the ruby slippers off the feet and puts them on. The feet shrivel up and roll under the house.
DOROTHY
Uhh...
A bright light flares in the sky. GLINDA glides down majestically toward Dorothy in a shining bubble.
GLINDA
Sup gangsta.
DOROTHY
This place makes me uncomfortable.
GLINDA
Go see the Wizard then.
DOROTHY
How do I do that?
GLINDA
Peace, I'm out.
Glinda throws up a gang sign and floats backwards into the sky.
DOROTHY
Oh dear, Toto. How will we
find the Wizard now?
MUNCHKIN KING
Follow the yellow brick road!
FAT MUNCHKIN
Follow the yellow brick road!
DOROTHY
The what?
MUNCHKINS
Follow the yellow brick road!
They lead her to the yellow brick road. They sing "FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD."
DOROTHY
Why does the road start with
this unnecessary swirl?
MUNCHKIN KING
That's how we do.
DOROTHY
Can I start where it gets straight again?
MUNCHKIN KING
Don't mock our ways, you racist.
Suddenly a BURST OF FLAME appears alongside Dorothy. It's the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.
WICKED WITCH
Gimme those shoes bitch!
She tries to grab them, but sparks fly off the shoes. She screams in pain.
Glinda appears in her ball.
GLINDA
Step away from my homegirl.
WICKED WITCH
I'll get you, my pretty!
And your little dog too!
She takes off on her broom and skywrites "I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO."
EXT. YELLOW BRICK ROAD - DAY
Dorothy and Toto skip along the road. They reach a fork with a SCARECROW at the center of it.
DOROTHY
Oh dear Toto. Whichever way shall we go?
SCARECROW
Well you could go that way.
Dorothy looks skeptically at the Scarecrow.
SCARECROW
Or you could go that way.
He points the other way.
SCARECROW
But then some people go both ways.
He points both ways.
DOROTHY
This is extremely unhelpful.
SCARECROW
I'm sorry, I don't have a brain.
Scarecrow sings "IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN."
DOROTHY
Maybe the Wizard could give you a brain.
SCARECROW
How would he do that?
DOROTHY
Like he could take someone
else's brain and put it in your head.
SCARECROW
Wouldn't that mean I'd have to kill someone?
DOROTHY
Yeah but they seem totally cool with that here.
SCARECROW
Great let's go.
EXT. YELLOW BRICK ROAD - DAY
Dorothy, Scarecrow and Toto skip along the road. They enter a forest.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
They skip along the path through the forest amidst apple trees.
DOROTHY
Lemme get some of dem apples.
She climbs up onto a tree and pulls an apple off. The tree smacks her hand.
TREE
Don't steal my shit.
DOROTHY
These apples aren't yours.
TREE
Uh well they're growing out
of my fucking head so I mean
yeah they are.
DOROTHY
I'm sorry, I'm just really hungry.
TREE
Okay we'll settle it with a dance-off.
The Trees all dance.
TREE
Okay your turn.
Scarecrow starts dancing.
TREE
Wow he is very good.
Scarecrow does the moonwalk.
TREE
Nobody bests the Tree King
in a dance-off. Get him, boys.
The trees all start throwing apples at the Scarecrow.
SCARECROW
Get them, Dorothy!
DOROTHY
HA HA ALL WE WANTED WAS APPLES
IN THE FIRST PLACE. HOW DUMB ARE
YOU. WE JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS.
They scoop up the apples and run away.
TREE
I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!
EXT. FOREST - LATER
Scarecrow and Dorothy skip along the yellow brick road.
SCARECROW / DOROTHY
We're off to see the Wizard.
The wonderful Wizard of Oz.
They run into a TIN MAN.
SCARECROW
What's that?
DOROTHY
Why it's a metal man!
TIN MAN
OIL CAN.
SCARECROW
Shit shit shit it's talking.
I am so fucked up, I can't handle
this right now.
TIN MAN
OIL CAN.
DOROTHY
I can hear it too. Holy shit
we are TRIPPING BALLS RIGHT NOW.
TIN MAN
OIL CAN.
SCARECROW
What does it want?
DOROTHY
Hey brah, you want these apples we found?
TIN MAN
OIL CAN.
DOROTHY
Yeeeeah come on.
Scarecrow and Dorothy try to feed the Tin Man apples.
DOROTHY
He loves it.
TIN MAN
OIL CAN OIL CAN OIL CAN
SCARECROW
Oil can what?
DOROTHY
Oil can eat apples mothafucka.
SCARECROW
Oh wait I think he wants that oil can.
They oil his mouth. Tin Man opens and shuts his jaw.
TIN MAN
What a bunch of dumbasses.
Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tin Man skip along the road.
SCARECROW / DOROTHY / TIN MAN
We're off to see the Wizard,
the wonderful Wizard of Oz.
